For all those questions that remain unanswered - fear not - Ask Doodles is here to help. To ask anything email charlie@charliedoodle.co.uk

Why is it you can't buy Mouse flavoured cat food?

Shark

Doodles Reply: Great to hear from you Sharky, a great question. Well you can get allsorts of flavours of cat food, Beef, Salmon, Horse and you would think that the makers of cat food  would actually take into account the fact that the cat is a natural predator of the mouse - I mean when was the last time you saw a cat bring down a cow? However mouse flavoured cat food does pose a few problems: For starters it would take too many mice to fill the tin which would make it uneconomical. I'll explain, to support a business in mouse flavoured cat food you would have to have mouse farms which has problems such as how to shepherd them in at meal times and what to use to do it that wouldn't eat them. Also there is the problem of slaughtering them humanly, it's possible, but to electrocute each one and then skin them would be far to labour intensive. In addition it would take at least 40 mice to fill the tin whereas 1 cow can fill over 4000 tins.

This question though remains partly unanswered in the respect that we are still awaiting a response from Kit-E-Kat regards the ingredients of their 'Original' flavour.

Does a monkeys fart smell like bananas?

Shark

Charlie's Reply:  Nice one Sharky - the answer is yes of course seeing as how that's what they eat, as every good schoolboy knows. Of course they also eat nuts which does cause a problem for the monkey itself. Now the matter does not simply end there - bearing in mind that we, that is those humans amongst us, share 98 - 99% of our DNA with our furry friends and considering the other substance that evacuates bottoms other than farts, it is ironic that our turds are in fact the shape of bananas and almost inevitably also contain nuts. If more scientific evidence than that were required to prove our closeness to monkeys then we would have to simply look at some of our colleagues and there remarkable resemblance to them also the fact that most people also talk sh*t which however does not smell of bananas therefore accounting for the missing 1%. Darwin - sh*t him!

Our know no danger, ace reporter, Phil 'Do anything for a pound' W, dresses up to put theory to the test.

Could you tell me why it is there is only one Monopolies Commission?

Shark

Charlie's Reply: Good question Shark and one that has remained un-answered until now. Since Hasbro bought up the rights, answers on the Monopolies Commission have remained closely guarded, but basically it keeps public school boys on the gravy chain as they just monopolise it.

Next week - Which cruel bastard put the 's' in lisp?

What colour do Smurfs go when you choke them? Dick, Oswestry

Doodles Reply: Good to hear from you Dick, although it's worrying to me as to why you would want to hurt something so small, cuddly and blue - unless of course you are just starting out as Smurf hitman or perhaps you just have an overwhelming desire to torture them. Well I'm sorry to let you know Dick that Smurfs are indeed just a fictional group of small sky blue creatures who live in woods, designed by a Belgian cartoonist called Peyo. This has more than likely shattered all of your homicidal  tendencies and you probably will want to take it out on something, may I suggest perhaps The Moomins or closer to home the Wombles.

Besides, they go green - because as every good Smurf murderer knows this is the colour of de-oxygenated Smurf blood.

thanks for the email Dick and may I not recommend you holiday at Disneyland.

1. Round pizzas (x) are put in square boxes (y) as although not impossible to place square pizzas(z) in a round box(s) it does pose a problem to pizza delivery boys. The box would have to be relatively larger for z:s than x:y thus causing an imbalance on the pizza delivery moped, basic laws of biomechanics dictate balance is an ability to maintain the centre of gravity of a body within the base of support with minimal postural sway consequently the spotty twat would fall off.

2.. No it isn't. Deaf people by virtue of the name are indeed deaf. Consequently they cannot hear any evidence given by the defence, the prosecution, the jury indeed as the trial begins they are likely to still be sat outside the courtroom waiting to be called in. Because of this, courts do not put deaf people on trial as it would be a waste of money, they are simply assumed guilty and given community service which for deaf people involves staying up all hours doing sign language for Open University programs and The Fimbles. This helps to keep other aurally challenged criminals of the streets.

3. The trend of criminal based subject matter that is running through these questions Mr Pickles is slightly worrying! However to answer your last question, to be assassinated you have to be a Cowboy such as in the title of the recently released The Assassination of Jesse James with Brad Pitt. Other famous cowboys who have been assassinated are: John Lennon, Robert F Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln and Benazir Bhutto.
 

Doodles Reply: Good question Jon, I'd be happy to answer it for you, although I must admit it was a bit of a poser, but yes there is another word for synonym - its nutmeg. Thanks for asking.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Darren, Norfolk

Doodles Reply: An interesting question Darren, and one well worth answering. You seem to be confusing sea sponges or poriferans (from Latin porus "pore" and ferre "to bear") which are animals of the phylum Porifera which  translates to "Pore-bearer", with sponges you bath with. The former are primitive, sessile, mostly marine, water dwelling, filter feeders that pump water through their bodies to filter out particles of food matter, they represent the simplest form of animal - well lets say they did. I think in future its better for mankind if you stayed indoors.

Doodles

Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until you hear them speak? Russ, Cosford

Doodles Reply: Thanks for the question Russ - your right. Scientists in the early part of the 20th Century calculated the speed of light at 299,792,458 metres per sec. However, as you have observed not all things with regards 'light speed' made sense. In fact it was the very same question that you ask which bamboozled Einstein. It all came apart for Einstein when ,in 1918 he met an armourer, who whilst at first appearing intelligent within a second of speaking confirmed he was not so. Making a quick calculation, Albert firmly established that the armourer in question was much closer than 299, 792, 458 metres away therefore putting pay to his theory. This little known historical fact is the reason why we have not yet travelled faster than light and armourers are the way they are.

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